We have found ourselves doing many firsts this week. For the first time ever I did a google search for “How to tell your children about a miscarriage”.
Last week I received some cute Prego clothes back from a friend I had lent them out to and they were still piled in our room, so for the first time ever I packed maternity clothes away in tears. You see there is usually a bitter-sweet joy in packing these seemingly frumpy clothes away when you reach the point of wearing “regular clothing” once again. And oh, that cute black sweater that was for our Christmas photo…..that was hard.
For the first time catching a glimpse of a newly flattened tummy as I passed a mirror caused me to pause. Kinda like when you get a new haircut and aren’t quite used to how you look yet….but this also brought tears. You see this being our 8th child, there was already a tiny bump in place by week 9.
For the first time my 2 year old saw her mommy in tears. She does not understand why, but she immediately sobs and says in her raspy little voice “mommy, you make Trins cry”.
There was one thing that sticks out in my mind that we have done before. We once again went before The Lord and completely submitted the life of our child to Him. Knowing that whatever He chose was His good and perfect will for us. Knowing that whatever He chose He could use to bring Him glory through our story and our lives. We have prayed that prayer before, however this time God answered differently.
All this to say, we lost a child this week that we have yet to meet. Our hearts are broken.
But God,
( Now I just want to pause here and point out that this is a phrase used hundreds of times in the bible as a turning point, this is the point in which we know something good is yet to come. )
But God knows. God sees. God hears our calls to him. God is good, all the time. God loves. God is our refuge, strength and peace. God is our comfort, our shelter and our healer.
We may never know all the reasons as to why we are in the midst of this trial, but we know that in James it says,” 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
We know that God is at work, we know He will ease our pain, we know that He will use all of our children for His Glory.
He is holding us up when we feel our knees buckle.
He is good.
I will leave you with the lyrics of a song that we hold dear. Matt has been playing it on his guitar and singing the sweet worshipful words in our home this week.
Praise You In The Storm, by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
Blessings to you all, and we thank you in advance for lifting our family up in prayers during this difficult time.
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